THIS CANDY IS TEARING ME APART LISA!!!!

As Easter draws near, I must confront the age old question: should I buy my favourite Easter candy that almost certainly causes internal bleeding and gum disease? For the last few years, I laboured under the misconception that I was “too grown up” to purchase this aberration constructed entirely of sugar and something called carnauba wax. I don’t want to know what that wax is shut up DON’T TELL ME.

Anyway this is the candy:

candy

What the hell are these even called? I’ve seen them called pan eggs, and apparently Dare thinks they’re marshmallow candy. Brach’s called them Hide and Seek eggs, though this name apparently hasn’t been in use for “many years.” Why, Brach’s: WHAT ARE YOU HIDING? In any case, they’re so gross–why have I been addicted to them since high school?

And also why doesn’t anyone ever talk about these? I’ve known about them since I ate them in bed while reading In Touch magazine in high school in order to make up for the fact that I had no social life whatsoever. Then I’d start feeling real sick from all that sugar and shiny, shiny wax, then five minutes later I’d feel hungry and start eating them again. I was disgusting.

I am pleased to report that in 2017, at the ripe old age of 31, I sat on my bed today, ate these stupid little eggs, felt sick and unbearably hot, then started getting hungry again and resumed chowing down on these little nuggets of cancer and/or diabetes. Nothing at all has changed — ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! 

Does anyone else eat this candy? I’ve never heard anyone, ever, talk about it. Could it be some reverse form of the Mandela Effect, where people immediately forget that they’ve eaten these evil little candies, and therefore never speak of them again? Or do they simply want to forget?

Could this be why no one knows what they are really called? Perhaps the past really does change after you’ve consumed the congealed high fructose corn syrup pellets–this would explain why I don’t yet have diabetes. I ate so many of them, goddammit.

If anyone knows anything about these eggs, please let me know. Personally, they have come to symbolize my own failure to ever really grow up, and a sometimes shocking disregard for conventional wisdom about nutrition. SMDH.

I wonder if, for Tommy Wiseau, celebrated auteur behind the classic film The Room, the character “Lisa” is actually symbolic of these marshmallow candy eggs. Did he experience the same inner turmoil after eating them, as if he were literally being torn apart? As we await comment from Mr. Wiseau, I’ll be writhing on the floor in pain after eating five pounds of pure sugar, looking something like this:

lisa

2 thoughts on “THIS CANDY IS TEARING ME APART LISA!!!!

  1. I am craving these things this year for some reason. I have not seen them since the 90’s but all the sudden I had to find them. I have yet to locate any except for online.

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    1. That’s funny – I am finding this candy in grocery and drug stores everywhere this year…unfortunately. I feel your pain, but I think you’re better off not eating them. It’s like eating impossibly dense sugar and chemical….ok now I’m craving them again 😀

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