We’ve all been there before: you’re dating a guy, and all of a sudden he loses interest–or worse, disappears completely without a word. Congratulations: you’ve just been ghosted!
Your friends will tell you a lot of things after this happens: he’s an asshole, he’s blind not to see your worth, or–my favorite–that it wasn’t anything you did. This is completely wrong: it was probably totally your fault, you just may be worthless, and by refusing to change all aspects of yourself and put on a desperate charade, you’re missing out on the best relationship of your life.
So now you’re probably wondering two things:
- Why is this girl such a jerk?
- How can I change myself completely so a man won’t find me so awful that he literally cannot stand to say one more word to me ever again?
I’m here to tell you that you can have any man you want if you avoid the behaviours listed below. It might take some trying to break some of these horribly destructive habits, but I promise that once you do, men will throw themselves at your feet.
Being a Yeti
I’ve spoken to hundreds of men, and they all say the same thing: a woman who is a yeti is not someone they will want to wife. This is by far the number one turnoff that men name as being the reason they will ghost on a woman. I know it’s tempting, and your friends will try to tell you to “just be yourself,” but has being yourself got you anything good? Then why are you reading this article for desperate yetis? That’s what I thought.
Letting Him Know You Like Him
Ladies ladies ladies! Why do you do this every time?! If you have agreed to go on a date with him, kissed him at any time, or shown even the slightest interest in his life, you’ve just doomed your relationship to catastrophic failure. Men hate it when clingy women speak to them, show them affection, or attempt to have any positive interaction with them at all!! I know you’re probably asking: how should I behave around him, then?
Here are some behaviours that will get him hooked:
- Try to (lightly) stab him with a machete each time he approaches. Setting him on fire is acceptable too. This will let him know who is in charge, and it will give him a spicy adrenaline rush. It’ll also set you apart from all those other desperate girls who try to get to know him and don’t try to kill him. Believe me, ladies–you don’t want to be those pathetic losers!
- If you must speak to him, verbally harass him. Specific threats and names such as “human garbage” and “trash person” will intrigue him and draw him to you like a fruit fly to that rotting banana in your purse.
- Never initiate contact with him, and shut it down with the above tactics when he does. Men get so bored by girls who are “too available,” so this will ensure that you seem not only unavailable, but you’ll also become that girl who could clearly do without him (since you’re prepared to actually murder him), and there’s nothing sexier than an independent woman.
Vomiting on Yourself
Whether you have a gluten sensitivity or are just really, really nervous around him, 6 out of 10 men agree: self-vomiting is one of the least sexy things a woman can do. As local man Cam observes, “a woman who vomits on herself is not a woman who respects herself. Therefore I will probably ghost her at some point. Dude.”
Potent words, ladies…
Not Wearing a Bikini at All Times
Yes, girls, you have jobs and need powersuits and are independent and blah blah blah. I’m here to let you know that nobody cares. If you’re wearing anything more than a bikini, no matter where you are, prepare to be dismissed without warning by a perfectly great dude with upstanding morals and a deep-seated desire to start a family. He’ll start a family all right–it’ll just be with some lucky girl who knows that wearing pants, shirts, skirts, or dresses will drive a man away.
Not Having Your Own Interests or Friends or Family
Now you and I know that interests and friends are just placeholders that you drop like they’re hot when a guy pays the slightest attention to you. But men don’t know this, or at least they don’t want to know. So even though it sucks so bad, try to actually enjoy your interests for the sake of getting a guy interested in you. Gutsy girl interests that men love include: spelunking, participating in jewel heists, going off into the woods for years and returning when you’ve been left for dead and everyone has moved on with their lives, and knitting.
Now keeping your friends is tricky when you’d rather drop them for any guy who comes your way, but believe me: nothing is a bigger red flag to a guy. DO NOT arouse his suspicions that he is your entire world by doing this. You likely can’t be bothered to keep your friends once you’re attached, so instead you’ll want to leave the house for hours at a time, tell your sweetie you’re meeting up with friends, and sit at a coffee shop by yourself looking at pictures of your fellow. He’ll see you as a woman with a life of her own, and you’ll get to keep your psychopathic obsession with him under wraps. Everybody wins!
But what if my family is dead? you may ask. Um then you’ll be alone forever. If you’re one of those needy girls whose entire family is dead, he will likely ghost (aka, pull away) pretty soon. It’s not you, it’s your dead family.