It is hard for me to explain the utter sadness with which I received the news of Mark Carney’s impending departure from the Bank of Canada to head the Bank of England. I wept, I yelled, I even went around a bar asking patrons if they cared about Mark Carney. No one did. I find it significant that, according to my informal survey of six people in a bar in Toronto’s Annex neighborhood, most Canadians have no idea who the guy is. (The recent failure of pollsters in predicting the BC provincial election signals a need for a new polling style. I therefore propose my style, as it is the most impartial and least time-consuming.) I hope he is ready to lose his relative obscurity, because in Britain the press will be obnoxious, ruthless, and, well, rude. People in a bar in London may soon know who he is, and there will be an insatiable demand for irrelevant information about his personal life.
Unfortunately, he has thus far given almost no fodder to journalists hungry for scandalous, or even remotely interesting, material on his personal life. In the absence of such material, the British press will be forced to fabricate outlandish stories that will likely make the privacy-loving banker seethe with rage. In the interest of saving British tabloid reporters time and much-needed brain space, I have devised some suitable scandals based loosely on fact that will pique the interest of tabloid readers while aggravating anyone who thinks the focus should be on Britain’s dire economic situation.
1. Neutral tone of Mark Carney’s suits suggests hidden psychosis, possible kleptomania, say experts.
At first glance, Mark Carney, Governor of the Bank of England, may appear prudent and conservative, with the tailored suit to match. However, self-declared colour psychologist “Al” has a different theory: “the muted tones of Mr. Carney’s suits indicate that he harbours a deep-seated psychosis that could emerge at any moment. My figures indicate too that those who wear such colours have a higher rate of kleptomania as well. It is clearly a case of the closet psychopath trying to convince people that he or she is boring and sensible.” Al’s story checks out: when a correspondent from this paper was caught rifling through Mr. Carney’s trash at 3am last night, Mr. Carney responded in a most untoward manner, brandishing a shovel and uttering phrases that cannot be reprinted here. Our country’s economic future hangs in the balance.
2. Carney’s secret heartbreak: “I just wasn’t good enough to play hockey professionally, so I had to take a dumb job as a banker instead.”
One of the few biographical facts we have been able to verify in regard to Mark Carney was his stint as back-up goalie for Harvard’s hockey team. But in a shocking twist, our exclusive sources tell us that becoming a banker was the last thing he wanted. Carney’s real dream? To play hockey professionally. In his native Canada, hockey is a sport people actually care about, with players earning exorbitant sums and becoming national heroes. No matter that Carney has managed both these feats without having to chase a puck; “when Harvard put him on as back-up goalie, he never fully recovered from the disappointment,” laments a former team member. “He tried everything to convince the coach to let him start–he even prepared a boring PowerPoint presentation about some Dynamic Stochastic Hockey Equilibrium with a bunch of charts that showed how he would improve the team’s prospects. Those were the most boring twelve hours of our lives.” Indeed, it was likely at this time that Mr. Carney discovered an affinity for long presentations and terrifying charts–two secret weapons that have helped him get to where he is today. “I think it still tears him up inside a little,” observes a source, “but he has this central banker thing he’s fallen back on, so hopefully he’ll be OK.”
3. Which Spice Girl is right for Mark Carney? Bets are on Sporty Spice–but she’ll have stiff competition from Carney’s longtime wife.
While Spice Girl Victoria Beckham went on to marry football star David Beckham, showing a preference for a sporty man, Mark Carney is known to prefer sporty women. He was reportedly attracted to his (future) wife when he saw her score a hat trick (three goals in one game) while playing for Oxford’s hockey team. Now that Carney is back in Britain, his wife had better watch out. Sources say that Diana Carney could be in danger of losing her husband to England’s sportiest lady: Melanie Chisholm, better known as Sporty Spice. While Mrs. Carney has moved on from hockey in favour of charitable pursuits, Sporty Spice has never stopped being sporty. In fact, just last week she was almost killed when a reckless driver blew through a game of street hockey in which she was participating. Mr. Carney has been known to appreciate a woman who risks her life in order to be sporty. Says a longtime friend, “Mr. Carney prefers a woman who pursues sportiness at any cost. If Diana doesn’t dust off her badminton racket or dig out that aerobics costume, there will be trouble.” Even more troubling is Chisholm’s affinity for Canadian men–she dated known Canadian Bryan Adams and may be looking for another polite Canuck with a sensible haircut. All is not lost yet, but Diana Carney would do well to stay vigilant to threats–and to the latest fitness fads.
4. Mark Carney’s bitter feud with Canadian politician Justin Trudeau: “I could have been a contender, if not for that little devil!”
Though many believe that new BoE Governor Mark Carney left Canada because this great opportunity presented itself, another far more sordid story about Carney’s departure from Canada is emerging. For months before Carney announced he would be leaving Canada, he had been denying persistent rumours that he would run for leadership of Canada’s embattled Liberal party. However, when Justin Trudeau, hugely popular politician and son of legendary former PM Pierre Trudeau, announced his plans to run for Liberal leadership, it took Carney less than two months to secure a position outside of the country. Though Carney had never even publicly confirmed that he was considering running, a close friend affirms that “it really hit him hard when Justin decided to run. It really took him back to high school when he ran for treasurer and was beaten out by this one really popular guy with great hair. Mark just kept talking about how Trudeau had the ‘mane of a lion.’ I think the hair really got to him, more than anything else.” Carney was overheard in Edmonton, Canada venting to a friend: “I mean, his dad invented the f***ing constitution. Give someone else a damn chance!! Someone ought to shave his head to teach him a lesson.” While we are saddened to learn that managing England’s economy was a consolation prize for Mr. Carney, we hope that he won’t fall victim to the Trudeau-rage that has clouded the judgment of so many over the years, most recently that of Canada PM Stephen Harper.
5. Is Mark Carney secretly a warlock?
It is generally assumed that BoE Governor Mark Carney got to where he is through hard work and intelligence. However, sources claim that they have an alternative explanation for Mr. Carney’s success that threatens to rock the very foundations of our political structure. He has been promoted to a number of eminent posts seemingly out of the blue, and, once there, he seems to have uncommon luck in the effects his actions have. Could it be that Carney has some help from…magic? Noted occultist Madame Mystikal sure thinks so: “there is no way he could have risen up the ranks like he did without magic. He is probably a practicing warlock. Just look at (Canadian Finance Minister) Jim Flaherty’s eyes when he talks to Carney. George Osborne, too. There is no doubt in my mind that Carney has cast a spell over these men, and that he casts spells over entire parliaments to convince them of his expertise.” Indeed, as Carney advocates for the central bank to have a greater influence on policy, it would seem we are in danger of becoming a pawn in Carney’s bid for world domination. “First it’s the Bank of England, then Carney becomes Prime Minister, and pretty soon he is running the whole world,” warns a prominent political scientist too afraid to give his name. “And there’s nothing we can do about it unless we want him to let loose a million little demons that will kill us all!” Some claim that Mr. Carney’s disproportionate influence on public policy can be traced to another powerful, but not occult, source. Since being spotted in the shadows at a Beyonce concert six months ago, it has been widely speculated that Mr. Carney could have some connection to the Illuminati, a mysterious group that runs the world by planting agents in positions of power. Whatever the truth about Carney’s meteoric rise to power, it is clear that he had some help. “No one gets to where that man is just by working hard and being good at their job. That’s just not how our world works,” claims the petrified political scientist. Of course, these allegations must first be substantiated, and readers can rest assured this paper is rigorously rifling through Mr. Carney’s trash to find relevant evidence. And in the meantime, if Justin Trudeau suddenly loses all his hair, we’ll have a few good guesses as to why.
We’ll miss you, Carney!